Shocking news came out of Boston last night regarding the Red Sox’s recent acquisition of their remarkably scruffy, Bigfoot-like beards. Apparently, the team’s beards are not as authentic as we previously thought, throwing the whole Fall Classic into controversy and upsetting several beard purists in the process. According to an undisclosed source, the Boston Red Sox beards have been using beard enhancing drugs, or BEDs, to grow their magnificently shaggy facial hair throughout the postseason. Details have yet to be disclosed, but it is already rumored that the whole reason the Red Sox won Game 1 of the Fall Classic was due to the anabolic power of their beards, most notably when the mass of hair crawling on Dustin Pedroia’s face literally scared the ball right out of Pete Kozma’s hands at second base, changing the entire momentum of the game. It has always been a tradition for sports teams to grow playoff beards once their team has reached the postseason, but it has been made clear that the Boston Red Sox have taken this concept a bit too far.
Almost immediately after the Cardinals won Game 2 last night, rumors started to surface that the Red Sox had been using BEDs to gain an unfair advantage over the competition. Taking a look at the Red Sox team compared to the teams they have beat so far this postseason, the beardless Tampa Bay Devil Rays and babyfaced Detroit Tigers, it is no surprise that their beards contain a little something extra. Luckily, the Cardinals were able to summon the power of their naturally grown peach fuzz last night and escape with a win, but this recent revelation demands a closer look.
If you’re looking for evidence to support the fact that Boston has been abusing BEDs, we’ve got you covered. Let’s take a look at Boston’s lineup top to bottom and evaluate what exactly is going on here.
Jacob Ellsbury CF
As you can see here, Ellsbury has a bit of a Cardinals peach fuzz going on. However, judging by his usual clean shaven appearance, it appears that Ellsbury has been negatively affected by his Boston teammates.
Shane Victorino RF
Victorino is also usually clean shaven, but it is more than apparent that he has applied a significant amount of BEDs to his hair and neck area. Although it is normal to assume that he used BEDs to improve his performance on the field, it seems more likely that he wanted more hair on his face to draw attention away from his balding head.
Dustin Pedroia 2B
Have you ever wondered why Pedroia is one of Boston’s best players? Look at the gnome-like beard he’s growing! People that small should not be this good at baseball, thus the BED infested beard on Pedroia’s face.
David Ortiz DH
Most would think Big Papi’s success stems from his gigantic, jolly belly that is amazingly reminiscent of Santa Claus, but unfortunately that is not the case. David Ortiz is considered one of the heaviest users of BEDs on the team, not just because he has one of the most finely grown beards in the game, but because he has a tendency to treat BEDs like food; he just doesn’t know when to stop.
Mike Napoli 1B
Mike Napoli’s beard is the stuff of legends. He literally looks like he just got done clubbing a woolly mammoth over the head and is now carrying it back to his cave to cook over the fire he built with his own bare hands. Napoli’s beard has grown so fantastically that some actually fear that it might separate itself from his body and literally become an entity unto itself. Fortunately, that has not yet happened. Unfortunately, Cardinals pitchers have to try to avoid its gaze every time Napoli steps to the plate.
Jonny Gomes LF
As you can see here, Boston’s left fielder has also fell victim to the BED bug. He seems to have gone with the elfish look, hoping to get some of the magic that Dustin Pedroia has been able to produce. Alas, he still looks…..off.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia C
You know the phrase, “A face only a mother could love.”? Well, Saltalamacchia’s is it. As a matter of fact, the Red Sox had to call in a prescription mirror specialist due to all the mirrors and windows Saltalamacchia shattered in the Boston clubhouse. He’s also not allowed to sign autographs before or after games after several children were seen running screaming from the field when they saw him approaching. No word on that caterpillar crawling across his upper lip either.
Stephen Drew SS
A rare babyface amongst all the Neanderthals that make up the Red Sox, Drew has been seen as an outcast on the team from the beginning. Some would applaud Drew’s refusal to use BEDs, but inside sources have told us that Drew has literally no friends on the team, therefore no one has bothered to offer him any. Meanwhile, he toils away at shortstop while the cold October wind abuses his unprotected face.
As you can see, the evidence of Boston’s beard enhancing drug use is overwhelming. Right now, the Fall Classic sits tied at 1 game apiece, but one has to wonder how the Cardinals expect to overcome such insurmountable facial hair. Coming home should be a boost to the Birds since St. Louis fans like to actually look at their team, not cringe in pain and agony every time a player’s face comes up on the big screen. However, the Cardinals have been voted the best looking team in baseball, so they have something to combat the forces emanating from the Red Sox’s faces. Meanwhile, the controversy over the Boston Red Sox beards continues to rage and it remains to be seen whether Major League Baseball will be taking any action. Of course, the Cardinals HAVE won just as many games as the Red Sox so far, and champagne feels much better hitting a clean shaven face.